If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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