can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
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