Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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