Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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