I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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