i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Randomize
