i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
