were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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