Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
this boner is exhausting
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
