a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
