Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
