1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I met the friendliest cop last night
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
