I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
