All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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