i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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