respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
