i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
