i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
