My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
