In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think my moral compass just broke
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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