I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
