My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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