I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
