If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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