my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
