Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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