I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
