K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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