just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
