I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
