I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
