I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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