my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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