Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
