Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
