My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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