i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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