Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
