he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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