I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My pussy is not your playground.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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