how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
