if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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