I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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