You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
