i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Every concussion has its silver lining
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
