i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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