Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
