i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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