i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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