im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
