Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
