3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
