I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Green mimosas i think yes
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
