I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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