I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.