I feel great
I just peed on a car
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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