Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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